Christmas 2025

January 2024 Was Rough

I had a bad case of RSV the first few days of January; caught it from Steve’s mother, Monnie, who had been out for Christmas. I had been doing a lot of thinking, and had decided by early December that I needed to separate from Steve, but waited until Monnie left before talking about it with Steve. Things had gotten volatile between us. His alcohol consumption had gotten very bad. He had been offered jobs from two companies, and was trying to decide; one was stationary in Reno, and one was a traveling job. I took that as a sign we needed to talk (even though I felt like death warmed over from the RSV), to help him make the decision for the traveling job since I suspected we’d both be moving from Sparks. By the end of the month, I got the call that my Mom was in the ICU – I arrived within a couple of days but never got to say goodbye. Mom passed away in a hospice facility on January 29. She was 82. She had a multitude of illnesses; and they finally got the best of her. We held a Celebration of Life in mid-February. It was nice to see so many come to honor the memory of my Mom. Click here if you’d like to view the slideshow of images I put together to music of Mom’s life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnXaPhMAFaQ

Other family members who passed away between last year and this year include my Aunt June (Dad/Roy’s sister), Roy’s brother, Uncle Fred’s wife, Connie, and my Dad’s Aunt Roma.

Steve

So after the horrid January 2024 start, I’ll segue into more of Steve's story. It’s difficult to talk about, even still, and yet I feel my friends deserve to hear the unvarnished truth.

I am telling his story, not just so that you would all know what happened to Steve, because after all, he is gone and there is nothing that we can do for him now, but because you are my family and friends and I want you to know what I went through, as a by-product of his addiction. How what happened to Steve affected me, emotionally, mentally, physically.

I might have went TMI or past the point of appropriate. Some of you may be offended, and if so, then don’t read it. My story is for the rest of you, to help you understand how and why a 30+ year-relationship can be dissolved. I just wanted to get my side of the story out there; we can call it part of my healing process. Okay, here goes.

Things were going along, mostly per usual through mid 2023. We were living in Sparks, Steve was working in Reno, still playing weekends in CA with his band, Public Eye. But it all went to hell when he got fired unexpectedly in early July. Steve told me they were restructuring and wanted to get rid of his salary, which is probably true, but I suspect signs of his drinking of alcohol was starting to show up to management.

Drinking went from bad to badder the rest of the year and he couldn’t pull out of it, even with me begging to do anything to help and support him (he'd lost jobs before; so it wasn't just that). He wouldn’t consider detox or rehab. I dragged him to the ER once, after repeated fainting spells one night (he had basically stopped eating), and they hospitalized him overnight, but he checked out AMA in the morning and wouldn’t disclose to me or anyone else, any of the test results they ran. There were lots of falls and fainting around the house; he wouldn’t let paramedics treat him (I called 911 several times). Unless you’ve been through something like this with one of your loved ones, I doubt you could imagine what life was like these months. Six months later, in early January, I asked Steve for a divorce (although honestly, this had been brewing for years, as the drinking got worse, seemingly every year). We would have talked about it in December, but Steve flew his mom out for Christmas for almost 2 weeks (not appropriate considering what was happening in our lives). I caught a bad case of RSV – This strain of RSV hit me harder than the covid I had in January 2022. You know, I almost feel like I’m wanting to defend myself about why I asked for a divorce – because Steve put on such a good show to the outside world; no one could have guessed what was really going on. So you’ll just have to trust that I knew it was time to leave; and in truth, knew it would be hard on both of us. I loved him but couldn't live with him any longer. By the time we were officially divorced (August 2024), we’d been married for 30 years and 4 months, and living together for 2 years before that. We were together for 32+ years. Sad.

The drinking got worse; Steve got TWO DUIs in June 2024. Hallucinations, comatose naps, you name it. It was bad during these months. When the time came for packing up the house so we could move, he shut down. He might have boxed up about 2 boxes (out of 70-80 at a guess, for his stuff). In the meantime, I’m packing too, dividing stuff up. He had ordered a 12-foot POD, it was delivered but nothing was being put in it. About 11 days before Steve’s flight to Myrtle Beach (where he was moving, to be near his mother and sister), his friend Lou Casadonte (an old friend, he was in our wedding) offered to come out and help Steve. Saint Lou, as we took to calling him, packed up ALL of Steve’s stuff and loaded the POD, and stuffed Steve's Tacoma Truck, which would be shipped. Thank you Lou! His friend Dave Brown drove up from the Bay Area on Labor Day to help Lou finish the POD; as it was to be picked up the next day! Thank you Dave! I don’t know what would have happened without these two. I had to put MY packing on hold and help get him packed so he'd get as much of his stuff onto the POD and truck as possible, and be able to make his flight. Thank God for my bestie, Kim Valerio, who flew in a few days before the movers were due to arrive, to help ME finish packing! Thank you Kim!

So Steve made his flight; with the help of Lou (and Dave, and me). And got to his new home. Once in Myrtle Beach (SC), his mother Monnie had similar issues to mine. We talked and texted often. She would explain what was going on with him and it sounded like deja vu (not easy for either of us). On several occasions, we even talked about the fact that Monnie was scared that she’d find him passed away up in his apartment (they lived in the same complex). And I was scared of this too. He barely ate food, wasn't taking care of himself, was falling down. Finally, on the morning of April 5, he was found passed away in his apartment – exactly what we were afraid of. It was weird - for the two days before that, I had been thinking about Steve, and was feeling this urgent need to go through his stuff that I had brought on the moving trucks (even after all the work done by Lou and Dave, there was still stuff that didn’t fit into the POD). It was a chore I had put off for months, but suddenly it felt pressing; I think I must've felt something going on with him. So I was unboxing his stuff, trying to sort it better and more condensed when I got the call. I had talked to him just 3 days earlier; when he called to commiserate about the passing of Val Kilmer. He said Kilmer was just 64, just like him. It was sad to hear him feel so scared. And then bam, a week later. An autopsy wasn’t done but the death certificate's COD read "cardiac arrest due to coronary artery disease, chronic alcoholism with cirrhosis". The sad moral to this story is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Monnie and his sister Rhonda even tried to get him committed to rehab against his will twice, but the judge wouldn’t go for it (because Steve showed up for the mandatory hearing and managed to sound perfectly lucid; he was always good for putting on a show).

A couple of months later, a reporter for a local Pleasanton, CA newspaper emailed me asking me for information about Steve’s passing (since he couldn’t find an obit). Steve was pretty well known in the Pleasanton area, due to his band performances. Here’s the link the reporter published (in his column): https://www.pleasantonweekly.com/blogs/what-a-week/2025/06/12/remembrances-a-lead-singer-a-fire-captain-and-regis-philbins-former-colleague/

After that, I published an online obit in the same publication (what the newspaper article was based on). See it here: https://www.pleasantonweekly.com/obituaries/memorials/stephen-duncan-marvel?o=9029

If you never had the chance to see Steve sing in his band, he truly was a gifted singer and musician, here is Public Eye covering Two Tickets to Paradise by Eddie Money, at the Concert in the Park in Pleasanton, circa August 2019: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peS1X52kWns

And in about 2021, Public Eye covering Bye Bye Love by The Cars: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KY0QceFaDas

Later in June, his bandmates organized a Celebration of Life out in California, at the bar Public Eye performed at the most, Main Street Brewery in Pleasanton. I flew out for it – it was well attended and very nicely done. They had a house band, and any musician who wanted to play could sit in. All former members of Public Eye came, including his guitarist from his first California band, Ruby Shoes, Tom Cuddeback. His first Public Eye lead guitarist, Rich Flynn was the main organizer, along with old friend Lou Casadonte, and Dave Brown (to the best of my knowledge). It was also nice to see Rich Pinckney, and many others, especially from Brentwood, my old hometown (Dave & Stacey Brown, who I stayed with while I was in town - thank you for the hospitality!). Even my childhood friend Leanne came into town for a few days. Also Kim & Eric Muller, Colleen & Matt Creswell, Gail Meadows, Eric & Jane Swift, Diane Stockman-Rider, Kay Partain, Juan Mendivil, Rick & Pam Spitaleri, and so many more – if I didn’t remember to tell you that day, THANK YOU  for supporting me and Steve’s other friends – and it was SO great to see all of you.

There are lots of additional images, if interested, at the Public Eye Band facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/PublicEyeBand

A note about Monnie and Rhonda: We are currently not on speaking terms (Steve’s mother and sister). We had a falling out over the summer. It seems she blames me for her son's death. Not sure if fixable…..